My friend Ellen has a darling blog and posted this a few months ago. Click on it- and enjoy. It was a post called "I was a good mom today". I loved it. I decided that next time I have one of those days- I'm going to blog about it too, so I can remember that some days I am awesome! Today, however, is not one of those days.
I'm coming up on 9 weeks of bed rest. I've never felt so insecure as a mother, wife, and friend. Everybody is giving, giving, giving, and I feel like I have nothing to give back. First it was embarrassing, then the pride faded to humility. I've been completely and totally humbled by everyones generosity. Now- I'm done. I feel like I've learned my lesson- it's been 9 weeks-and I'm ready to be myself again. Unfortunately- my body doesn't agree. I'm running on 3 or 4 hrs of sleep every night and I'm in constant pain. ( Have I mentioned- I still love this sweet baby coming? I know she's worth it!)
Yesterday was the most amazing 4th of July I've ever had. (Blog post will come shortly- I'm sure) Even though I only got to "watch" it happen- I still enjoyed every moment. I sat in my chair or blanket and watched Pete and Adaliah enjoy their 4th of July together running around, going on rides, playing with friends, and playing at the park. I've never been so grateful for Pete- he has been doing IT ALL. Last night we stayed out late and watched fireworks. Bad idea with a 2 year old. She woke up this morning as a complete monster.
I heard Pete get up with her- and he was not in the best mood. I'm not throwing Pete under the bus. I totally understand. He had spent every last bit of energy taking care of me and Adaliah all day. He was exhausted. I wished so badly I could offer to take over..but I had not slept all night and my contractions were strong so I just had to listen to him battle it out instead. It was the worst feeling. I hate being such a hands off mother. The man needs a break! I laid in bed feeling like a horrible wife and mother while exhasted Pete delt with our overly tired child.
I took Pete to work and balled my eyes out the whole way there and back after listening to a sappy song that reminded me how grateful I was for him.
Then I was on my own with Adaliah. The monster version of Adaliah. She whined and cried all morning about everything. I offered to take her to the library but she cried about getting her diaper changed, screamed about getting dressed, and completely lost it when I told her we needed to do her hair. Finally I told her to go into her room until she was ready to come out and be nice.
10 mins later I went to check on her and found this.....
(the bottow right picture is Adaliah scrubbing the wall)
Adaliah how found a marker and had gone to town on her bed room. Yes- I truly believe it was a way to act out. She knows better. I know she knows better. I scolded her and sent her to time out. When she got out I helped her throw the dry-erase markers away, never to be played with again. Next I handed her a wash cloth and told her she was helping me clean the mess up. We got clorox wipes and soap and water- I was sure it would do the trick. We begin scrubbing together but the marker was not budging. Not in the least.
Then I lost it. The combination of pain, lack of sleep, insecurity's of my parenting and handling the situation, the guilt of being such a dead- beat mom for so long....it all came crashing down and I began to sob hysterically.
When Adaliah saw me crying- she started crying again. She came and gave me a hug and said she was sorry. "It not coming off" she said in her tears. After a long embrace we both got back to work scrubbing, both balling our eyes out with loud sobs. Ridiculous- I know.
Luckily, I took the time to look up some good suggestions online and learned that the magic eraser by Mr. Clean would do the trick. I happened to have one of those on hand- and 30 mins later the wall was clean.
Over reaction? Yes. I realize I am pregnant, hormonal, and physically a disaster..but my feelings of inadequacy and guilt are real. I can't wait to be back to my normal self and start being the mom I know is in there somewhere.
2 comments:
I can't say that I know what you are going through exactly. However, I do know that feeling of wanting to be a certain kind of wife and mom and physically not being able to do it no matter how hard you wish you could. You are doing AMAZING Bekah. Really and honestly, it might be a little hard on Adaliah and Pete now- and it might seem like you never will have anything to offer- you'll be back soon. They'll be fine too. I promise. For now- just focus on the things you could do and not what you wish you could have done. You are totally building a baby in your stomach. You deserve a pat on the back for that. That is HARD work. I wish we could help out more. Just a couple more weeks and I will be right there to take over on those crabby Dali days. :) Love ya sis. You are doing better than you think you are. I feel like such an idiot for complaining for the 2 weeks of contractions I had before Quinn was born. I really look up to you.
Bekah, I think that you are brave and wonderful. You have always been such a blessing in my life. I'm sorry that was "one of those days". However, I hope that I can be as good of a mom to Lydia as you are to Adaliah (and Elizabeth). I'm hoping that if I spend enough time with you, it will rub off!
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